Sunday, August 21, 2005

Evidence of spine detected in several recent CNN incidents

In an amazing discovery this past week, scientists and television viewers alike were astounded when small evidence of a spine was exhibited in two separate incidents on CNN.

The first discovery occured on Wolf Blitzer's talking puppet show "The Situation Room" when "resident curmudgeon" Jack Cafferty objected loudly to CNN's gleeful licking of the BTK Killer's balls. Cafferty revealed his spine when he said:
We ought to be ashamed of ourselves. Publicity is this monster's gasoline. It's what kept him going during the years he was playing cat and mouse with the cops and murdering innocent people. He loved being the BTK killer. He loved reading about himself in the newspapers, watching the television stories on the local news in Kansas, on the nights before he got caught.

Doesn't anybody get this? This thing should have been sentenced in a closed courtroom in 30 seconds and thrown into a hole to rot. I'm a little embarrassed to be a part of the media on a day like this.

Later in the day, Bob Costas bowed out from licking the same balls while also refusing to hump the non-existent corpse of Natalie Holloway. Asked to fill in for the Larry King (who was due for his semi-annual re-inflation):
Costas, hired by CNN as an occasional fill-in on "Larry King Live," refused to anchor Thursday's show because it was primarily about the Alabama teenager who went missing in Aruba. Chris Pixley filled in at the last minute.

"I didn't think the subject matter of Thursday's show was the kind of broadcast I should be doing," Costas said in a statement. "I suggested some alternatives but the producers preferred the topics they had chosen. I was fine with that, and respectfully declined to participate."

In the meantime, media experts are baffled how any amount of spine might have infiltrated the newsrooms at CNN. Some experts are speculating that CNN chief Jon Klein has devoured so many brains and hearts that the emergence of spine may have emerged from under "tons of fat".


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